By Tatsuya Ishida
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April 15, 2001
One for the money, two for the show
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Let's do some FAQs:
When is the Sinfest book coming out?
I'll let you know.
Where do you get your ideas from?
From the midi-chlorians that live within me.
You think you're all that, don'tcha?
Please. Do not piss yourself with rage. I'm a peace-loving man.
That's it. Come on. Throw down, punk.
(interviewer charges at cartoonist, but discovers it's a hologram)
Wha-?
Ha ha. I'm not really there. I'm away on a diplomatic mission to China. Guards!
(battle droids enter, subdue interviewer with blasters)
Aaaaieeeeeee!!!!

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go restore peace and tranquility to the galaxy.

April 8, 2001
Quiet in the balcony
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Things that make you go Hmmm: While rocking out to 80s flashback radio it occurred to me that maybe some bona fide celebrities are among my readership. Imagine that. Like maybe the Thompson Twins are at their computer, you know, surfing the net, checking out webcomics. One of them would be like, "Hey, Thompson, this comic sucks." And the other guy would go, "Like totally. It sucks to the max." Or how about Arnold Schwarzennegger? Maybe after a round of protein drinks he fires up a stogie and goes online: "Ah hah hah hah. This is most amusing cah-tooon! I laugh very hard I do. If they make movie, I play Zlick! Hah hah."

April 1, 2001
It's gotta be the shoes
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Excerpt from the highly anticipated autobiography T.I.: The Man, The Myth, The Mojo: I used to run with a tough crowd back in the day. One time we snagged a six-pack of O'Douls from 7-11 and boy, did we get hammered. I must've downed like a whole can all by myself. Tommy said he saw pink elephants and shit but I think he got that from watching cartoons. Marco kept giggling like a hyena and Antawn started hocking loogies, saying the alcohol gave it extra body and range. Yeah, we were total outlaws. Badasses. Even back then we knew we were destined for bigger and badder things. Like Zima.

March 31, 2001
Gonna have a ball tonight down at The Globe
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Now that March Madness is over, it's time for April Apathy, a.k.a. tax season. Ah Spring, that time of year when young men's fancy turns to chugging 40s and flubbing their 1040s. It's so fitting that we do our taxes right around April Fool's Day, since it's all a pack of lies anyway. Say, that's a pretty good defense strategy. The IRS audits your ass, subpoenas you from here to the middle of next quarter, mounts a federal investigation into your money laundering operation in Stockholm, Madrid, and Belfast, and you say, "April Fool's! Gotcha!" It's worth a shot. Cuz hey, that's the way of the world, bubba. The government lies to the people in the name of National Security. And the people lie to the government in the name of Fiscal Reality. Booyah!

March 25, 2001
Would you like fries with that?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Webcomics has yet to arrive. The fledgling industry is crowded with players, but few real professionals. We don't even have our own annual awards show. It's that bad. Plus with the economy all out of wack, things are gonna suck for a while. I foresee a lot of webcartoonists camped on freeway offramps peddling fruit or holding up "Will draw for food" signs. Some have stocked up on emergency supplies of squee-gees and Windex, you know, for their fall back career. Whatever. The players will change and the scene will evolve and the professionals will survive.

March 18, 2001
Mama said knock you out
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

On self-expression: Finding one's voice is a life's work. So say what you mean and mean what you say. Many squander their voice by aping others and putting on airs, pretending to be someone they're not. Not me. Whether I'm ordering my storm troopers to ready my ship or meeting with city officials about the power crisis, I'm always myself. It doesn't matter if I'm at one of my U.N. hearings, attending my weekly desert rave, or vacationing on MIR space station, I am always the same person. And I'll tell you why--Cuz I take the task of being a role model very seriously. And what the youth of America needs is for someone to take a stand and say, Hey, I gotta be me!

March 11, 2001
No woman no cry
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Got Muse? The muse you choose shapes your art. A forest nymph, for example, would yield furry, fairy stuff. A drama queen lends herself to noir and histrionics. The damsel in distress elicits grand heroics. Then there's the princess, the vamp, the siren, the riot grrl, the madonna, the virgin, the waif, the free spirit, and many others besides, each affecting their own unique style. Me, I got a full-on superfreaky bad-to-the-bone muse to end all muses. Which is a mixed blessing, to be sure. The other day while she was inspiring me in the spirit world, she's all, "Oh yes! Yes! Ride me, Sparky!" Naturally I had to throw her ass out. How dare she call another cartoonist's name on my time.

March 4, 2001
Speak softly and carry a bit stick
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Every man has a right to be conceited until he is successful.
-Disraeli

When people say to me, "Tatsuya, you are the voice of our generation. You reflect the spirit of the times. By God, you may very well be the only hope for mankind," I say, "Thanks. But don't forget Carrot Top. He does fine work also. And Rerun from "What's Happening?" He's special." Seriously though, I'm totally down with being the voice of the spirit of the whatyoucallit, uh, the times and shit. I don't know what any of that means but it sounds pretty darn good. It'll bolster my resume and talk about your sure-fire pickup line! "Hey foxy lady, I'm a reflection of the times. Let's boogie."

February 25, 2001
Riddle me this
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Never thought I would get this big: Actually, I've given plenty thought to making it, getting over, blowing up, arriving. I've practiced acting all Hollywood, rehearsed my prima donna tantrums and trashed many a hotel room in preparation for fame. But stardom ain't all milk and cookies. Since the debut of Sinfest there's been an upsurge in anime lust, hardcore gangsta children's books, ninjas, complaints lodged against God, and angel hunting. One teenager reportedly stared at his Dragonball poster for 16 hours waiting for the image to change. Obviously the situation is serious. So please be advised that the antics in Sinfest are conducted by professionals in a controlled, fictional environment and no persons, animals, or angels were harmed in the making of this strip.
Resistance out.

February 18, 2001
Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

It's awards show season and that means the biggest names in fashion will be out in full force, exhorting the stars to don their apparel. I myself have already received complimentary gift baskets from Tommy Hillbilly, Fruit of the Loom, and Members Only. Plus, a top tier designer left this message on my machine: "Hey yo, wear my shit or I'll go 'nightclub' on your ass. Puffy out." It's all very exciting, as you can well imagine. Paparazzi's gonna go nuts when I step on to the red carpet fitted in my elegant ensemble with Members Only jacket, Le Tigre prep shirt, and nylon Quiksilver jams--suggestively unbuckled, revealing my Spider-Man UnderRoos. Oh, too sexy!

February 11, 2001
Now for something completely different
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

In the spirit of Black History Month and for the cause of ethnic diversity, we here at Sinfest have a few suggestions:
1) Jesse. New NBC sitcom starring the Reverend Jesse Jackson and his wild and crazy escapades as a swinging bachelor! Keep hope alive, baby!
2) Shakespeare on Telemundo. Sample monologue: "To be or not to be, holmes. That eez the ques-chun, comprende? Word."
3) Harry Potter and the Pips. Latest from the best-selling series. This time Harry is joined by a group of soulful backup singers and together they do battle with the evil Kenny G.
4) Magic Eye Hentai Posters. Hang them at work and watch the merriment ensue!

February 4, 2001
Say hello to my little friend
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Like Steven Seagal, I'm a spiritual leader renowned the world over, beloved by the masses far and wide. Accordingly, seekers of truth come to me and ask the Big Questions. "What is the meaning of life?" "How should one live?" "Briefs or boxers?" And my answer is always the same. {insert Indian sitar music} "You must follow your own path, young Padawan, like in one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books. Remember those? Them's good readin'. One book, multiple plot options. Pure genius. I used to read ahead and then select the best storyline. Hee hee. So anyway, that's the meaning of life. Now go and be as one." {gong sounds, birds chirping}

January 29, 2001
You want some of this?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Now for the fake news: Imagine! Your business advertised right here in this very column, which boasts a readership well into double digits! No jive, baby. We command the choicest consumer demographics cuz we are phat and fly and hip like that. For real! So act now! We'll get you hooked up on our product placement program, as I dig in to a delicious McRib sandwich, which is back for a limited time, and wash it down with the refreshing taste of Royal Crown cola. Whoops, spilled some on my Adidas sports jersey! (See how that works?) Call now! Operators are standing by!

January 22, 2001
We could be heroes
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Bubba has left the building: Sex, drugs, and rock & roll is officially out of the White House. Gone are the days of wine and doobies, when a boy named Bill ruled the Beltway, when his "wife" frantically shredded documents in the next room while a chunky intern did unspeakable things with the aforementioned doobie. Gone are the Aww-Shucks-Golly-Gee-Whiz speechifying, the late night Oval Office booty calls, and all the fast food take-out you can eat. Ah, we sure had fun, didn't we? In fact, the nation was so determined to keep the party going it failed to turn up a new leader--until the Men in Black Robes settled it behind closed doors. So now we move on. Good-bye Slick Willy; Hello Clueless George.

January 15, 2001
Let them eat cake
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

I have a dream that this nation will lay down that boogie and play that funky music till we die. So let freedom ring from the Hollywood sign in Tinseltown. Let freedom ring from the Sears Tower in the Windy City. Let freedom ring from Lady Liberty, that fine piece of ass up in Gotham. Let freedom ring from the neon desert of Sin City. Let freedom ring from the French Quarter in the Big Easy. When we let freedom ring from every ghetto and every slum, every 'burb and every 'hood, we will be able to speed up that day when all children of the atom, mutants and non-mutants, the old school and the new wave, SuperFriends and the Power Puff Girls, will join hands and sing in the words of that James Brown classic: He ain't no drag--Papa's got a brand new bag! Ungh! Good God!

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