By Tatsuya Ishida
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May 25, 2003
Spirit fingers!
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Movie Idea: Neo and John Connor join forces to fight the war against the machines. After an intense rave/orgy, they make plans for the upcoming battle. At the same time, the Matrix and Skynet sign a multi-billion dollar merger, spelling certain doom for the human resistance. After an intense rave/orgy, the corporate giants start production on a new line of Arnold Agents and Smith-inators. Meanwhile, back at the X-Mansion, Professor X uses Cerebro to notify all the mutants in the world about the upcoming Mutant Rave-o-thon Celebration 2003. After much Kung Fu, car chases, and explosions, everyone dies and meets God, who turns out to be Jim Carrey. "Alllllrighty then," says God, flanked by a cadre of Charlie's Angels. "Let's get this party started." And Neo's like, "God, why are you speaking through your buttocks?"

May 11, 2003
Do you love me now that I can dance?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Dec 1999: After bingeing on Hostess Ho-Hos and Orange Bang Drink, Tatsuya Ishida suffers a massive brainfreeze and gets amnesia.
Apr 2000: While touring with the Ringling Brothers, Tatsuya is approached by a mysterious bald man in a wheelchair. "I can help you remember your past," he says. So Tatsuya flies to lower Manhattan to start his training as a mutant badass.
Sep 2001: At a Memphis rest stop Tatsuya is accosted by a mysterious bald man named Morpheus. "I can show you the way," he says. So he joins him and starts his training as a Kung Fu badass.
Jan 2002: After meeting with a mysterious bearded man in a robe, Tatsuya flies to the Dagoba System to receive his training as a Jedi badass.
May 2003: After completing his myriad training, Tatsuya suddenly remembers who he is, and goes back home to become a cartoonist.

April 20, 2003
My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Like Tiger Woods, I'm often criticized for not lending my voice to social causes. Which is preposterous when you consider my volunteer work with unwed mothers and nymphomaniacs. I've also lobbied for a National No Work Month and launched the Casino-On-Wheels Program to bring gambling to every suburb in the country. Yes. I have a vision for a better America. And of course, The Tatsuya Ishida Foundation works tirelessly to promote itself, no matter what the cost. It is this type of dedication that really touches people. The Foundation funds the wild life preserve for spring breaking collegiates, aerospace research to land the first manned aircraft on Uranus, and the School For The Extraordinarily Well Endowed, where buxom babes are trained to get along with other women who fear and hate them. So you see, I'm out there making a difference, giving back to the community. Cuz I'm all about the caring.

April 6, 2003
Betcha by golly wow!
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

More Wartime News:
Saddam sighting in Yemen: Scraggly fat man wearing nothing but a military beret seen bellowing, "A camel! My regime for a camel!"
Bush denies reports that he hired psychic Miss Cleo to channel Alexander the Great. "I did not have psychic relations with Aunt Jemima," said chief executive.
Peace movement dumps 700 megatons of flowers and olive branches over the Pentagon as part of "Soothe and Mollify" campaign.
Fox News Network officially puts quotation marks around "News" and reporters will now do the finger-quoting gestures when saying the word.
U.S. sets deadline; gives Kim Jong Il two weeks to trim his bouffant coif. Ever defiant, North Korean dictator switches to HerbalEssence for even more body and volume.

March 30, 2003
Dance little sister, don't give up today
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Wartime News:
Former 3rd Rock from the Sun star French Stewart changes his name to Freedom Stewart. "It's my patriotic duty," says actor.
Pro-neutral demonstrations get heated in Switzerland.
U.S. Military orders 300,000 cans of whoop-ass. "There's a war in every can!"
Rodney King still wondering why we can't all just get along.
Geraldo Rivera reveals location of the Bat Cave. Is immediately banished from Gotham.
"Operation: Iraqi Freedom" renamed "Operation: Who's Your Baghdaddy?"
Latest Saddam video only available on Betamax. Is it up to date? Experts weigh in.
Geraldo Rivera reveals Colonel's Secret Recipe. Is banned from all KFC establishments.
"Axis of Evil" renamed "Bunch of Bastards."
Geraldo Rivera goes into hiding. Then reveals his own undisclosed location.

March 23, 2003
Time isn't holding us, time isn't after us
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Through the ages man has lamented the ephemeral nature of life. Everything dies, nothing lasts, all is subject to the ravaging force of Time. So steeled by this, the great minds of history set out in quest of the Undying, the Eternal, the Everlasting. They went looking for the Elysian Fields, lap up the Elixir of Life and bathe in the Fountain of Youth. Buddha called it Nirvana. Christ called it Soul. Plato put it in the form of a question and Shakepeare put it in rhyme. Ah, so innocent and naive was man in its youth... For look what we have now: Elysian Fields all gentrified with strip malls and multiplexes. The Elixir of Life comes in Tall, Grande, and Venti. The Fountain of Youth flows with Botox. And the souls of the departed go to Life Extensions...

March 9, 2003
You got me straight trippin', boo
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

The success of Tiger Woods in golf, Eminem in hip hop, and Yao Ming in basketball will open the door for more stereotype-bending figures. In the coming years, watch for:
All black heavy metal band. Call them Blacksnake. Or Mos Def Lepperd. Or just Black Sabbath.
Amish porn stars. They build their own sets. They bake their own bread. They plow their own hoes.
Goth motivational speaker. "And now we summon the spirit of our dark lord to infuse us with the morbid desire to succeed."
Communist Investment Broker. You're in good hands, with Police State.
Punk Politicians. Johnny Rotten runs for President. Incites a riot when he moons Congress.
Gay mafiosos. Their retro tommyguns are scented with potpourri. Their fight sequences are tightly choreographed. And when the action gets heavy they burst into flames.

March 2, 2003
Are we gonna let the de-elevator bring us down?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

On civilization. Long long ago some ape-man must have looked at his life, his existence, his family, his tribe, the world around him, and thought, "What the hell are we all doing here?" Cuz all this business with being born and growing up and procreating and surviving is, let's be honest, some pretty strange shit. And inquisitive minds want to know just where the heck it's all going. So the ape-man formed a committee and announced that we're all gonna keep this existence thing going until we figure it out, find out who's behind it all, and kick his ass. He made some rules to ensure the survival of his peeples. Don't hurt nobody. Don't kill nobody. Don't steal. And don't smoke the funny grass. And if you violate these rules, we will hurt you and kill you and steal your grass. It sounded like a good idea at the time, and the same rules survive to this very day with few modifications.

February 14, 2003
I can tell you how I feel about you night and day
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

On love. They say it makes the world go round. Money can't buy it. And it conquers all. They say all is fair in love and war. So make love, not war. They say the first one always has a special place in your heart. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. They say love is blind. Love is colorblind. Love is a many-colored thing. There's first love, puppy love, platonic love, unrequited love, true love, unconditional love, love at first sight, the love of your life, the one you want your mama to meet, the one that got away... So we ride through the Tunnel of Love. Make out at Lover's Lane. Say our vows at the Chapel of Love. Take a cruise on the Loveboat and reserve the Honeymoon Suite. And sometimes we gotta stay at the Heartbreak Hotel. But hey, love is a battlefield. And I'm a soldier of love.

February 7, 2003
Got to be good-looking cuz you're so hard to see
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Things to ponder:
What do streakers do at a nudist colony, run by fully clothed?
Did George Washington and Benjamin Franklin walk around saying, "Dude, I am so money"?
Do cows around the world view India as Cowtopia?
Do antonyms persecute homonyms?
Doesn't Emo sound like a Muppet character?
How come every Tom, Dick, and Harry aren't named that?
You think maybe crop circles spell out something vulgar in an alien language, like "For a freaky tentaclejob call Zoltar"?
Isn't it funny how when people say "Isn't it funny" it's not funny at all?
Did you know that whenever a car alarm goes off it means an angel just got its wings clipped?

January 26, 2003
Somebody up there likes me
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

We are back on the air. Resistance Headquarters has been hopping with activity since the book came out--something our staff is not exactly accustomed to. One intern jumped when the phone rang and backed away in horror. "What do I do," she implored. "What do I do????" Another staff member thought the UPS guy was an Eagle Scout and tried to purchase cookies from him. The mailroom guys started making rounds with actual mail, instead of speeding through and popping wheelies. And the entire crew thought the building was under attack when the coffee machine percolated. One guy dove under his desk, screaming, "Code Red! We have a Code Red!" So it's been hectic. But we've settled down now and we're back on track. Back to being a lean mean well-oiled machine. Resistance out.

December 8, 2002
Kiss them for me, I may be delayed
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

The book has arrived. Finally. At long last. The wait is over. The first collection of Sinfest strips is available in print form. The first year's worth of strips, all bound like a real book with pages and everything. Cuddle up with it in bed! Stand on a street corner and recite chapter and verse! Read it to your kids as bedtime stories! Have a book burning! Go door to door and convert people! Send copies to the U.N. for review and inspection! Hey, it's all good!

November 24, 2002
This is your life
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

On judgment. People are always going on about how bad it is to judge others, how no one has the right to pass judgment and don't you dare judge me who the hell do you think you are and so on and so forth. Which sort of makes a mockery of our court system, our sporting events, and of course, American Idol. Without judges, these esteemed institutions of American culture would cease to function. And nobody wants that. Without judgment all manner of disputes would go unresolved, athletics would fail to deliver a winner, and we'd have no President. Judgment ain't a bad thing in and of itself. Until, of course, someone judges me, and I'll be all like, "What, you judging me? Don't you dare judge me. Who the hell do you think you are?"

November 3, 2002
I'm taking you down to Chinatown
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

On wisdom. At some point in your life you make such a monumental ass of yourself that you can't escape the thought that perhaps you are a total idiot. Maybe you get smashed at a party and pass out in the jacuzi, but not before you put on a bubble wrap toga and run around asking the ladies to "pop" you. Not that this happened to me. Cuz it didn't. Really, it didn't. Anyway, it's at this moment, when you stop and realize what a fool you are, that you approach something called wisdom. It's sort of like a hazing ritual for enlightenment. You must endure much embarrassment before you achieve enlightenment. Before you can know yourself you must first learn to laugh at yourself. Except me. I have no embarrassing stories about me whatsoever. All that stuff about getting smashed and bubble wrap togas--not me. I just made it up.

October 13, 2002
Put that in your pipe and smoke it
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

On parents. You know that phase when you're embarrassed of your parents and you just can't take them anywhere? And you can't believe you're related to them and you're convinced you must've been adopted and your real parents must be somewhere worried sick about you? And you wonder why your folks had you at all and why in the world isn't there some qualifying exam to become a parent in the first place? You know, like some American Idol-ish Bachelor-type competition where couples compete for the right to have a kid. Call it "Copulation Island." The contestants would have to go through a battery of tests, each round eliminating one couple and removing their reproductive organs. But they will receive a lovely parting gift: a "You--Out of the Gene Pool!" bumper sticker. Thanks for playing. Buh-bye now.

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