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By Tatsuya Ishida |
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March 3, 2002
Free your mind and your ass will follow
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
As most of you have probably heard by now, I have failed yet again to make Forbes magazine's Richest Billionaires List. Every year I run out to the newsstand to pick up that particular issue, and every year I walk away disappointed. I mean, it's just one minor technicality that keeps me off the list. Namely, the fact that I'm not a billionaire. It's just not right. I oughtta write the editor, demand they come up with an alternate list honoring the slummin'est slackers of the year. I'll be all over that list, boy. They could even launch a spinoff 'zine, Ghetto Forbes, to chronicle the success stories of the zero income bracket. The inaugural issue could feature Kato Kalin on the cover. Hot topics: "Pot: Is it for you?" "I'm a hobo and I'm proud." "Break-Even-Quick Schemes!" And of course, there'll be an annual Golddigger issue spotlighting all the lovely ladies of slackdom. It's a blockbuster, I'm telling you. |
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February 24, 2002
Would you like green eggs and ham?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
After Nietzsche: |
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February 17, 2002
Are you gonna go my way
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Beasties Remix: |
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February 10, 2002
She thinks she's the passionate one
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
A Valentine's Day Medley: |
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February 3, 2002
I coulda been a contendah
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Everything about the Superbowl is so over the top you gotta love it. That pregame show was a riot. Barry Manilow and Patti LaBelle! Hundreds of kids dressed up as red, white, and blue Lady Liberties! Former Presidents quoting Lincoln! Mariah Carey straight outta rehab! What the hell is going on? Who cares? I could almost see the director gesticulating wildly, imploring: "More outrageous! I want more OUTRAGEOUS!" It was like a big F.U. aimed at anti-American sentiments, a message to all the haters and perpetrators. You don't like our way of life? You think we're shallow and materialistic and prone to excess? Watch this. Yes. 'Twas a big overproduced glitzy star-spangled middle finger in the face of terror. And there's even a moral to the whole thing: Patriots win. Pure Hollywood. You gotta love it. |
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January 27, 2002
We are the first, the last, and only line of defense
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Please Stand By. Looks like the e-mail subscription list got wiped out a couple weeks back. I know this because I felt a great disturbance in the Force. It was as if a million voices cried out in terror, "Where's my Sinfest?" as citizens started rioting in the streets, razing landmarks, torching their cities. Sinfest Headquarters has been flooded with distress calls from various heads of state, community leaders, the Pope, and other fanpersons. Naturally they're all quite concerned. Please do not panic. We have the situation under control. Interpol has activated their most elite trouble-shooting task force and the Commissioner has turned on the Tat Signal. Help is on the way. (This just in: Sign up again and you're good to go. Thank you for your patience.) |
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January 20, 2002
This message will self-destruct in five seconds
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
The pessimist says the cup is half empty. The optimist says it's half full. The pragmatist says its liquid contents are at 50% capacity. The ironist says it's half full of air. The plumber says the cup must be leaking. George Carlin says the cup is too big. The Starbucks employee says it's so you have room for cream. The conspiracy theorist says aliens took the other half. The baseball player says his cup is definitely full. MacGuyver says he can build a powerful explosive with it. The psychoanalyst says the cup is your mother. The punk sitting next to you also says the cup is your mother. The romance novelist says the cup is a willing receptacle to the wild gushing torrents of pure passion from the hard chiseled urn. The zen master says, "There is no cup." Pamela Anderson says her cups are definitely full. And me, I say, "Waitress! Refill!" |
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January 13, 2002
Take me down to Paradise City
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
More Sinfest headlines of the future: |
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January 6, 2002
We are here to pump you up
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Resolutions for 2002: |
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January 1, 2002
Make new friends but keep the old
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Should old school homeys be forgot, |
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December 23, 2001
Happy happy joy joy to the world
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
'Twas the night 'fore Agnostica, when all through the city not a rapper was rhymin', not even P. Diddy; The malls were all empty, department stores closed; The gifts were all wrapped, the greetings composed; Streetlamps were dimmed then darkened entirely, as Gen-Xers mourned the passing of irony; When out from the stillness came a phat funky beat, and shook the foundations of the once peaceful street; 'Twas the spirit of punk god Joey Ramone singing "Twenty twenty twenty four hours to go-o-o-o..." Oh! Then Aaliyah bust in like a superstar, while George Harrison jams on electric sitar; He slows it down and she strikes a pose, singing "There's something in the way she flows." When it's time to bounce they shout from above: "Happy Solstice to all and to all One Love!" |
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December 16, 2001
Won't you guide my sleight tonight?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Some more suggestions for holiday specials: |
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December 9, 2001
We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
As most of you have probably heard by now, I was once again snubbed by People magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year contest. I try not to let it get me down, but I'm starting to get discouraged. Every year I get my hopes up, thinking: "This...this is my year." And every year I get passed up by lesser, second-rate celebrities. It's just not right. I mean, I spend a lot of time being sexy. I got that rugged cartoonist thing going on and everything. A little acknowledgment would be nice, that's all I'm saying. I may have to start a new counter, The Futility Watch II: Tracking the number of times Tatsuya gets snubbed by People magazine, thus reaffirming his status as an indie sex god. |
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December 2, 2001
Something in the way she moves
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
The creative process here at Sinfest Headquarters is a rigorously regimented science. We conduct thorough studies and market surveys to gauge the moods and tastes of the general populace. We assign a team to scour all available media outlets-- television, radio, newsprint, internet--for the latest trends and topics. (We got one guy, Ned, whose sole responsibility is to watch Mexican soap operas.) We then compile and input the data into our patented Sin-o-vision® computer program, which converts the material into comic strip form. After the strips pass their focus groups and test screenings of people in the 18-36 age bracket, we ship them priority mail to Mr. Ishida (who lives in a top secret underground facility) for final approval. Upon return delivery we upload them onto the Sinfest mainframe and bring the magic to you. Voila! |
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November 25, 2001
I'm so bad I make medicine sick
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
I dig the winter holidays. I like the spooky Halloween thing, the pilgrimy turkey ritual, and all that Santa stuff. Basically we dedicate a whole season to stuffing ourselves, singing goofy songs, and watching cartoons. It's so... manly. I don't know how many times I've seen that Frosty special, but I get choked up every time. And Rudolph, he's my boy. He's like the symbol of freaky individuality that lights the way. And of course, the mack daddy of them all, A Charlie Brown Christmas. Maybe one day we'll see A Boondocks Kwanza Spectacular, or How the Grinch Stole Ramadan, or hell, let's dream big--The Sinfestival of Lights: An Animated Extravaganza featuring Adam Sandler as the Devil. |
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