By Tatsuya Ishida
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February 24, 2002
Would you like green eggs and ham?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

After Nietzsche:
Supposing Truth to be a woman--then she must be the hottest babe ever, cuz all these geniuses throughout history can't stop talking about her. Truth this, truth that. The end all be all mother of all abstractions. And the rest of us are what, shacking up with Gossip and Bullshit, the Skanks of Babylon? Hell, at least they know how to have a good time. Truth is so high maintenance. Her standards are so high. And she always gotta be right. On top of all that she plays hard to get. She oughtta lighten up, ya know? Be more like her sister, Dare. Now she knows how to party! But who knows, maybe deep down even the pristine Truth has a wild side. Maybe had a lesbian threeway with Karma and Felicity... Dropped some acid back in her experimental college days... Or got caught exposing herself in "Truth Gone Wild" video... Whatever the case may be, you know it's gotta be stranger than fiction.

February 17, 2002
Are you gonna go my way
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Beasties Remix:
I'm sending this one out to all the California girls...
To all the bleach blondes...
Brunettes...
Redheads...
Nubian goddesses...
To the dragon ladies and lotus blossoms from the Far East...
To all the Swiss misses...
To the lower west end nubiles...
Spanish fly girls...
Chicas...
Latinas...
To the film noir femme fatales...
B-movie actresses...
The women of wrestling...
Go-go dancers...
Rock chicks...
To all the punk girls...
Goth girls...
Raver girls...
Riot grrls...
To all the girls next door...
And all the girls gone wild at Mardi Gras...
xoxo,

February 10, 2002
She thinks she's the passionate one
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

A Valentine's Day Medley:
She walks in beauty, like the night
Filled with stars and rocket ships;
All that's best of dark and bright
Glisten in her eyes and lips:
Good God.
She's all that and a bag of chips.
So I tells her:
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Oh girl, you're so much hotter:
You're kinder than the kindest buds in May,
Cooler than the hydrant's gushing water;
Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
But at my back I always hear
Time's boxcar racer roaring near.
So do me, baby
Like you never done before;
Oh, give it to me
Till I just can't take no more;
Do me, baby
Like you never done before;
I want you now,
I just can't wait no more.

February 3, 2002
I coulda been a contendah
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Everything about the Superbowl is so over the top you gotta love it. That pregame show was a riot. Barry Manilow and Patti LaBelle! Hundreds of kids dressed up as red, white, and blue Lady Liberties! Former Presidents quoting Lincoln! Mariah Carey straight outta rehab! What the hell is going on? Who cares? I could almost see the director gesticulating wildly, imploring: "More outrageous! I want more OUTRAGEOUS!" It was like a big F.U. aimed at anti-American sentiments, a message to all the haters and perpetrators. You don't like our way of life? You think we're shallow and materialistic and prone to excess? Watch this. Yes. 'Twas a big overproduced glitzy star-spangled middle finger in the face of terror. And there's even a moral to the whole thing: Patriots win. Pure Hollywood. You gotta love it.

January 27, 2002
We are the first, the last, and only line of defense
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Please Stand By. Looks like the e-mail subscription list got wiped out a couple weeks back. I know this because I felt a great disturbance in the Force. It was as if a million voices cried out in terror, "Where's my Sinfest?" as citizens started rioting in the streets, razing landmarks, torching their cities. Sinfest Headquarters has been flooded with distress calls from various heads of state, community leaders, the Pope, and other fanpersons. Naturally they're all quite concerned. Please do not panic. We have the situation under control. Interpol has activated their most elite trouble-shooting task force and the Commissioner has turned on the Tat Signal. Help is on the way. (This just in: Sign up again and you're good to go. Thank you for your patience.)

January 20, 2002
This message will self-destruct in five seconds
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

The pessimist says the cup is half empty. The optimist says it's half full. The pragmatist says its liquid contents are at 50% capacity. The ironist says it's half full of air. The plumber says the cup must be leaking. George Carlin says the cup is too big. The Starbucks employee says it's so you have room for cream. The conspiracy theorist says aliens took the other half. The baseball player says his cup is definitely full. MacGuyver says he can build a powerful explosive with it. The psychoanalyst says the cup is your mother. The punk sitting next to you also says the cup is your mother. The romance novelist says the cup is a willing receptacle to the wild gushing torrents of pure passion from the hard chiseled urn. The zen master says, "There is no cup." Pamela Anderson says her cups are definitely full. And me, I say, "Waitress! Refill!"

January 13, 2002
Take me down to Paradise City
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

More Sinfest headlines of the future:
U.S. Postal Service takes a poll on whether the new stamp should feature the young thin Slick or the old fat Slick.
New Euro currency to feature Squigley dressed up like Napoleon.
Popular children's program The Pooch and Percival Show put on indefinite hiatus when Percival checks into catnip rehab.
Fort Lauderdale selected as site for First Annual Ms. Sinfest Pageant. Bring your own thong!
Winona Ryder caught stealing bandwidth from sinfest.net. "I just had to have it," says klepto celebrity.
Tatsuya Ishida's cameo appearance in Star Wars: Episode 18: Your Mom's a Sith ignites flurry of internet protests.

January 6, 2002
We are here to pump you up
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Resolutions for 2002:
Learn how to play air guitar.
Bungee jump from the Eiffel Tower while screaming, "Ouiiiii!"
Get a butler and call him "Alfred" even if that's not his name.
Produce my own biopic, Tat Cometh: Hide Your Women. Directed by John Woo, starring Rob Schneider in a breakout action role.
Write sequel to my memoirs, TI: Episode 2: Clone This!
Continue with my Jedi training.
Start a one man rave, go on world tour.
Visit a nuclear facility, freak out people by saying, "Hey, what's this button do?"
Retire. Play baseball. Make glorious comeback.
Do a little dance.
Make a little love.
Get down tonight.
Okay. Let's get to it.
-T.

January 1, 2002
Make new friends but keep the old
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Should old school homeys be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should old school homeys be forgot,
And days of auld lang syne?

We have carved our names on walls
And tagged up freeway signs;
We've hit up all the mini-malls
Since days of auld lang syne.

We rocked out to pop radio,
Thinking we was fly;
We did not know the dilly-o
Since days of auld lang syne.

So here's a hand, my trusty friend
And give a hand o' thine;
We'll take a toke o' kindness yet,
For days of auld lang syne.
For auld lang syne, my friend,
For auld lang syne;
Do the Safety Dance and the Cabbage Patch,
For days of auld lang syne.

December 23, 2001
Happy happy joy joy to the world
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

'Twas the night 'fore Agnostica, when all through the city not a rapper was rhymin', not even P. Diddy; The malls were all empty, department stores closed; The gifts were all wrapped, the greetings composed; Streetlamps were dimmed then darkened entirely, as Gen-Xers mourned the passing of irony; When out from the stillness came a phat funky beat, and shook the foundations of the once peaceful street; 'Twas the spirit of punk god Joey Ramone singing "Twenty twenty twenty four hours to go-o-o-o..." Oh! Then Aaliyah bust in like a superstar, while George Harrison jams on electric sitar; He slows it down and she strikes a pose, singing "There's something in the way she flows." When it's time to bounce they shout from above: "Happy Solstice to all and to all One Love!"

December 16, 2001
Won't you guide my sleight tonight?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Some more suggestions for holiday specials:
Celebrity Death Match: Scrooge versus The Grinch. It's an all out hate-fest!
Pamela Anderson sings All I Want For Christmas Are My Two Front Tits.
F2: Judgment Day. In this explosive sequel Frosty takes on an evil snowman from the future, the F-1000.
Santa's Got a Brand New Bag. James Brown leads an all Black cast in this soul revue musical.
Miracle on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The heartwarming tale of a President who still believes in the missile defense shield program.
A Sopranos Christmas. Three wise guys go to their godson's christening, bearing cannoli and wine.

December 9, 2001
We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

As most of you have probably heard by now, I was once again snubbed by People magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year contest. I try not to let it get me down, but I'm starting to get discouraged. Every year I get my hopes up, thinking: "This...this is my year." And every year I get passed up by lesser, second-rate celebrities. It's just not right. I mean, I spend a lot of time being sexy. I got that rugged cartoonist thing going on and everything. A little acknowledgment would be nice, that's all I'm saying. I may have to start a new counter, The Futility Watch II: Tracking the number of times Tatsuya gets snubbed by People magazine, thus reaffirming his status as an indie sex god.

December 2, 2001
Something in the way she moves
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

The creative process here at Sinfest Headquarters is a rigorously regimented science. We conduct thorough studies and market surveys to gauge the moods and tastes of the general populace. We assign a team to scour all available media outlets-- television, radio, newsprint, internet--for the latest trends and topics. (We got one guy, Ned, whose sole responsibility is to watch Mexican soap operas.) We then compile and input the data into our patented Sin-o-vision computer program, which converts the material into comic strip form. After the strips pass their focus groups and test screenings of people in the 18-36 age bracket, we ship them priority mail to Mr. Ishida (who lives in a top secret underground facility) for final approval. Upon return delivery we upload them onto the Sinfest mainframe and bring the magic to you. Voila!

November 25, 2001
I'm so bad I make medicine sick
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

I dig the winter holidays. I like the spooky Halloween thing, the pilgrimy turkey ritual, and all that Santa stuff. Basically we dedicate a whole season to stuffing ourselves, singing goofy songs, and watching cartoons. It's so... manly. I don't know how many times I've seen that Frosty special, but I get choked up every time. And Rudolph, he's my boy. He's like the symbol of freaky individuality that lights the way. And of course, the mack daddy of them all, A Charlie Brown Christmas. Maybe one day we'll see A Boondocks Kwanza Spectacular, or How the Grinch Stole Ramadan, or hell, let's dream big--The Sinfestival of Lights: An Animated Extravaganza featuring Adam Sandler as the Devil.

November 18, 2001
Everybody have fun tonight
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Let us say grace. Thank you, Big Daddy Force for the feast before us. We heartily partake in these delectable Hungryman turkey dinners, cranapple Hi-C's, and leftover biscuits from KFC. We woulda had 'taters too, but stupid Marco ate the Ruffles. But it's all right cuz later we shall delight in some scrumptious Hostess apple pies--dig that frosted coating--served with steaming hot Ovaltine. With marshmallows. Aww yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Down home ghetto banquet in the land of the free. So let us bow our heads and give thanks to all the good things in life, to the power that makes it possible, and to our brothers and sisters who fight for them. A thousand props to you. Amen.

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