By Tatsuya Ishida
HOME  |  ARCHIVE  |  FORUM  |  BOOKS  |  SEARCH
November 11, 2001
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Had some computer problems last week and was unable to update the comic for a couple days. I'm all right. I wasn't hit with the anthrax or abducted by aliens or nothing like that. All is well at Sinfest Headquarters. The only casualty was The Streak, the distinction as comicdom's Iron Man, which is like, the most coveted record of all time. Since Cal Ripken hung up his cleats, I figured I might as well take the torch and keep the flame alive. I do what I can during these difficult times. Anyways, we're back up and running, thanks to the technical support team on the Resistance payroll. And thanks also to the readers who sent their well wishes and support. We loves ya! Good night!
xoxo,

November 4, 2001
Take me out to the ballgame
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

What a thriller. An edge-of-your-seat, piss-in-your-pants nail-biter that went right down to the wire. Unbelievable. A Fall Classic for the ages. Dramatic plot twists. Heartbreaking setbacks. Miraculous comebacks. And a surprise ending. This truly had it all. I'm talking, of course, about the 2001 Emmy telecast. For a while there I thought they'd never get their shit together, but ultimately, in true Hollywood fashion, the human spirit prevailed. And the suspense! I thought The Sopranos had a lock on the top prize, but nooo, those West Wing punks came from behind to stage one mother humdinger of a rally. But that's not all. Oh no, my friends. Those Emmy geniuses saved the best for last. A surprise show-closing performance by none other than Barbra. I'm still numb from the shock of it all. Unbelievable.

October 28, 2001
Pop goes the world
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

This week I thought I'd share something personal with y'all. A glimpse into my life, a peek into my soul, an inside look into my...

SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN: We interrupt this column with the latest on the Anthrax scare. The band is currently touring the continental U.S., last seen in a nightclub outside Des Moines, terrorizing citizens with their savage brand of speed metal. Rumors of Anthrax visiting the White House are unsubstantiated, but one inside source said, "I'd sure like to see them tour with Bush." At which point several Secret Service men wrestled him to the ground, bitchslapped him, and detained him for "making threats to the President." We now return to the column already in progress.

...and that's the reason I am the way I am. True story.

October 21, 2001
Every rose has its thorn
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Everywhere you look there's patriotic fever. Check it out:
American flag turbans. The next hot fashion craze?
U.S.A. for Afghanistan. The biggest names in Congress come together to record a benefit album for Afghan refugees. (During the session someone tripped the fire alarm, prompting most members of the House to clear the building.)
0.0% APR Financing from various automotive dealerships. Wow!
Snoop Dog Raps The National Anthem. Funky, hip hop rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner." Sample line: "Ungh, ungh, yeah yeah, all right now, ungh."
New Red, White, and Blue Lucky Charms. More magically delicious than ever!
Uncle Sam Action Figures. Collect all members of The Coalition of Infinite Justice: Union Jack! Lady Liberty! Captain Democracy! Battle the evil forces of The Legion of Evil-Doers! Make no mistake!

October 14, 2001
Dog my cats!
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Hollywood projects that have been cancelled or postponed due to inappropriate content:
Turban Legend. The latest scare-fest from horror meister Clive Barker about a crazed New York City cab driver who terrorizes his clients by speeding.
I Will Kill You All Because I Hate You. Brand new album from Eminem.
Access Taliban. Celebrity gossip show featuring the hottest Third World fashions, exclusive inside look at luxurious caves.
Maximum Overdrive 2: Airborne. Emilio Estevez reprises his role from the cult classic, this time stalked by a band of possessed crop dusters.
The Sopranos Go To Washington. Special two hour season opener where our favorite mob family joins forces with U.S. Green Berets to take care of some "overseas business."

October 7, 2001
Rome wasn't built in a day
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Words, words, words. I wish I coulda been there at the brainstorming session that dreamed up "Infinite Justice"--now changed to "Enduring Freedom." Imagine the ones that got rejected. "Operation: I Got Yer Jihad Right Here, Mother#*%!er." "Code Name: Who Wants To Be A Dead Terrorist Millionaire?" "The Manhuntin' Project." Personally, I like Infinite Justice, cuz it sounds like "Crisis on Infinite Earths." Hey, maybe them Marvel/DC boys were recruited by the government to join the think tank. Maybe some mysterious bald-headed federal dude named "X" went scouting for the top names in comics. One can imagine the fateful conversation: "Mr. McFarlane," intones X. "We need your talents." "But..." stammers the famed comic artist. "My McGwire balls just got devalued. I am so bummed." To which X retorts, "Sir, I don't care if your balls shrivel up and die. America needs you!" Of course, if any of this were true we'd now be waging "Operation: Desert Spawn."

October 1, 2001
This one goes out to the one I love
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

On Security. I'm big on security. It's one of my top priorities. I never leave home without protection. When I go for my morning run I'm flanked by goons packing serious heat. I'm like Washington crossing the Delaware. Other joggers are profiled, questioned, and frisked with extreme prejudice. Just the other day there was this really suspicious looking hottie whom I personally patted down. Twice. Better safe than sorry, know what I mean? In addition, all houseguests are blindfolded on their ride over, incoming mail is inspected by a team of specialists, and my groceries are choppered in via helicopter. My Sunday drives are an all out motorcade--entire blocks are sealed off, the route meticulously scouted, the mayor alerted in advance. Someone said to me, "You shouldn't let terrorists change your way of life." And I'm like, "Terrorists? What are you talking about? I've been doing this since forever."

September 23, 2001
One world is enough
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I was lost but now I'm found,
Was blind but now I see.

(bass, kick drum)

'Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear
And Grace my fears removed.
How precious did that Grace appear
the hour I got my groove.

Oh yeah. Dig me now.

(choir harmonizes)

So many dangers, toils and snares
We've sho nuff overcome.
'Twas Grace that brought us safe so far
Cuz Grace got it goin' on.

Peace,

September 16, 2001
Do not go gentle into that good night
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

We the People on Earth, We of every Nation, Race, and Religion-- Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, and heathen--in Order to form a more perfect World, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Vigil all across the Globe. We, therefore, solemnly publish and declare our Solidarity with All Peace-loving Citizens of The World. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
Peace,

September 9, 2001
Don't feed them after midnight
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Simple is beautiful. The masters of any given field always go back to the basics, the fundamentals, the bare essentials of their craft. The fancy stuff is nice, but the real cool shit is minimalist. Drum and bass. Color and light. Meter and rhyme. And the works that grab us are usually built on the simplest of concepts--a love song, the hero myth, the afterworld. Of course, this is not recommended for all professions, like say, medicine. If I ever go under the knife, I don't want some quack trying to go "minimalist" on me. I'll be in pain cuz he won't give me any drugs, and he'll be like, "Hey, I'm retro." Or pilots. Those guys definitely shouldn't be getting too avant garde. "Attention. This is your pilot speaking. I thought I'd break down my craft to its bare essentials. Hold on, everybody."

September 2, 2001
I sing the body electric
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

On genius. There's a variety of genius types. There's the mad scientist (Darwin, Einstein), the Renaissance man (Da Vinci, Goethe), the tortured soul (Van Gogh, Nietzsche), the hermit recluse (Thoreau, Salinger), the bohemian artiste (Shakespeare, Picasso), the rabble rouser (Socrates, Rand), the Wunderkind (Mozart, Lil' Bow Wow), and many other fine examples. Like superheroes, you can take your pick on what kind of legend you want to be. Me, I go for the Friendly Neighborhood Genius. The All American Clean Cut Genius Next Door. Yes. I'm very down to earth. All my handlers tell me so. One time, this guy in my entourage, I forget his name, he was like, "Tatsuya, sir, you are so down with the people." And I was all, "Shit yeah. I'm people who am people. Now go get me some nachos."

August 26, 2001
Follow the white rabbit
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Another excerpt from the explosive best-seller T.I.: The Man, The Myth, The Mojo:
She left me. She said it was best for both of us, that we were still young and we should see other people, explore new worlds, experience life and grow as individuals. She said she loved me, that she'll always love me no matter what. And maybe, just maybe, if we were meant to be, we'll find our way back to each other again... I just stood there, bawling. Then it was time for recess, so I steeled myself and went out to play kickball. The guys needed me. Even though I'd just been dumped, I couldn't let them down. I was usually the last one picked, but still a vital contributor off the bench.
Ah, third grade... I remember it well.

August 19, 2001
Just the facts, ma'am
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Star tripping: If a celebrity has a nervous breakdown in the woods and no one is around, would it still make headlines? Which came first, Hollywood or the rehab center? But hey, I'm not one to ridicule addiction. If Congress ever criminalized pez and power drinks I'd be robbing convenience stores to support my habit. Oh, I'm heavy into it, man. I'm like the cats in Trainspotting, only way more intense. No dead babies or anything like that, but I once had a nightmare where a shit load of pez dispensers attacked me. So I know what it's like. I'm so there. Now if you'll excuse me it's time for me to go and get myself exhausted.

August 12, 2001
If I only had a brain
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Ah, the sting of rejection. The Futility Watch just notched another digit. Nothing like a form letter from a corporation to let you know where you rank in the Great Chain of Being. Somewhere below Ziggy. It makes a man philosophical, it does. It makes you ponder the Big Questions, like "What the hell?" and "Why? Oh Sweet Baby Jesus, WHY?" Which would presumably be the same reaction of people were they to chance upon Sinfest in family newspapers. One can imagine the horror of hapless citizens in Buttville, America as they open their Sunday funnies to find angels getting shot. There'd be rioting in the streets. Women and children would get whisked away in helicopters. And no one wants that. But hey, don't cry for me, Argentina. These are the dues-paying, character-building, dream-chasing days. You can't advance unless you dance.

August 5, 2001
I knew a girl from Nantucket
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Less is More. Writing concisely is a difficult thing. There's always the temptation to get all fancy and use flowery language, throw down some SAT words, maybe even drop some Latin. You know, like Hark! My ancient proclivity for the pootius tangus doth stiffen my resolve, or some such shit like that. It's sorta like padding your resume, or stretching out your term paper with footnotes and word spacing. I remember I once took a one page essay and somehow, through the magic of margin adjustments, font sizing, indentation, and quadruple spacing, transformed it into a five pager. One of my finest moments as a collegian. I think the professor was impressed too. It looked like one of those seeing eye charts at the optometrist's office. A work of art, truly.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 Next



© COPYRIGHT 2000-2016 BY TATSUYA ISHIDA/MUSEWORKS. CONTACT
Powered by btPHP 1.3.2
page generated in 0.02284 seconds