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March 21, 2004
Evil from the Eighth Dimension!
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
On suffering. You gotta wonder about suffering. Like, why is it even here? Who let this crap into the universe? Aren't there like, karmic bouncers patrolling the space-time continuum, making sure a nuisance like suffering doesn't creep into existence? Where does this shit come from? If I were designing the cosmos, I wouldn't make the stuff. I'd make only varying degrees of happiness. So you'd have your standard issue Contentment, right, which you can upgrade to Satisfaction, and later trade that in for the fully-loaded fuel-injected Happiness. Along the way you can accessorize with stuff like Bliss, Pleasure, Joy, Euphoria and Ecstacy. I'll even throw in some real potent shit like Super-Orgasmo-Love'splosion that'll like, kill you and resurrect you at the same time. Oh, my universe would rock. All Bliss, All The Time, baby. It'll be the Amsterdam of existence. The Happiest Universe in the World. But then, if the world was like that people would be jonesin' for Super-Orgasmo-Love'splosion all the time. I mean, Contentment is nice and all, but it sort of sucks donkeyballs compared to the real good shit, ya know? So there'd be all these joy junkies and cartels and gang wars and death and, well, suffering. Which brings us back to square one: Who let this crap into the universe? |
March 14, 2004
Have you ever been experienced?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
And now some more made up news: |
March 7, 2004
I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Some rumors circulating about Tatsuya Ishida's disappearance: |
February 8, 2004
As I walked along the supposed golden path
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
More on life as a movie. Much of our lives is spent on marketing. Make-up, exercise, dieting, clothes, hair, money, charm, attitude, the strut, the pose, the Blue Steel look. We're like walking billboards advertising ourselves. A sneak peek of upcoming attractions. Meanwhile our actual production is in disarray--we're over budget, doing poorly at private test screenings and focus groups, creatively stagnant, morale low. So we're endlessly tinkering, touching up, editing, rewriting, tailoring ourselves to best suit a mass audience. There's like this studio executive in our heads telling us to cut certain things out, make it "lighter," give it a happy ending, and put some explosions in there too. Kids love explosions. And the uncompromising artist within protests: "But that's not life!" Thus the inner conflict of our movie life: To be a palatable crowd-pleaser catering to the mainstream... or something true to life no matter what they say? |
February 1, 2004
Time not important. Only life important.
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
If life is a movie most people would consider themselves the star of their own feature. Guys might imagine they're living some action adventure epic. Chicks maybe are in a rose-colored fantasy romance. And homosexuals are living la vida loca in a fabulous musical. Still others may take the indie approach and think of themselves as an anti-hero in a coming of age flick. Or a retro badass in an exploitation B movie. Or the cable man in a very steamy adult picture. Some people's lives are experimental student art films that don't make any sense. Some are screwball comedies. Others resemble a documentary, all serious and educational. A few lives achieve blockbuster status and are hailed as a tribute to the human spirit. Some gain a small following and enjoy cult status. And some never got off the ground due to insufficient funding. I don't know what my life is but I do know that I'm constantly squabbling with the director over creative control, throwing prima donna tantrums and pouting in my personal trailor when things don't go my way. |
January 25, 2004
For my next trick I will turn this water into funk
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
On humanity. Sometimes I imagine humanity as one giant being made up of smaller individual beings, like Voltron. And when the Forces of Evil start acting up, we all band together to form the Mighty People-Tron! Europe would be the torso. Africa would be the pelvis. The Middle East the heart. Asia would supply the gadgets and knickknacks. Russia can be the hat. And America will form the ego! Yes. Impressive figure, this Humanity-Bot. A shining gleaming champion of justice and liberty. Until, of course, you realize there are no forces of evil besides our own damn selves. So this majestic Humani-Tor is always at odds with himself, in-fighting, bickering, hating on himself. A big ol' Robo-Hamlet, holding up a skull, going, "What is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me." He's been to the moon. He split the atom. He's made cool stuff. And he's also done some pretty crappy things too. The bad boy of Mother Nature, the one with Holy Father issues. Maybe he'll learn to love himself someday. Maybe he'll tear down all the walls and weapons he's built and get his groove back, you know? |
January 18, 2004
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
On people. Some people are hard to get. Others are easy. Some people like to be got and stay got. Some people would rather do the getting and avoid getting got. Some people get one person and stick to them forever. Some people want to get as many as they can while the getting's good. Some people are very picky about who to get and by whom to be got. Some are not. They just take what they can get. Some people just don't get people. Some people read books and attend seminars on how to get people. Some people only get their own gender. Some people only get the opposite gender. Some get both and are kee-razy sex rebels. Some people are not happy with what they got. So they try and go get something else. Some are rendered gotten and rebel against their getter by getting ungot and getting someone else to be their own gotten which really is just a way to get back at the person who got them in the first place. Some people get tired of getting each other and get away from it all. Some people think there's more to life than getting each other and are hard at work trying to get whatever it is they're trying to get instead. And some people have realized that people and things and basically everything in life is fundamentally ungettable so there's no reason to try so hard at getting them. Get it? |
January 11, 2004
Show me show me show me how you do that trick
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
When I was a kid I occupied myself trying to invent the web-slinging wristband that Spider-Man wore. Naturally this required one wrist watch, one plastic spoon, and several ounces of magical webbing fluid that comes in convenient ready to use cartridges. That last one would always stump me, effectively stalling my dreams of becoming Spider-Man. Now that I'm older, wiser, and like, totally way more mature, I've come to realize how foolish I was. I mean, before I go and invent the web- slinging doohickey, I gotta go get bit by a radioactive spider first! Duh! See, I had my priorities all wrong. Think of all the radioactive spiders that slipped under my radar cuz I was too busy taking apart wrist watches. Imagine all those mutant arachnids I coulda caught had I not been off making web juice out of Elmer's glue. Live and learn, I suppose. So if you ever see a guy wearing multiple wrist watches with plastic spoons jutting out of them, holding a glowing spider in his hand, going, "Bite me!" it's probably me--finally making my dreams come true. |
January 4, 2004
I'm gonna dress you up with my love
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Laughter is the face orgasm. When you laugh, the private organs must go, "What the heck was that? I thought we were in charge of fun!" It must freak the ol' nads out. I imagine there's a running competition between the sex drive and the sense of humor. A battle between the funny bone and the boner. Which can cause more pleasure? The ha ha or the oo la la? Comedy or hot dripping sweaty naughty good times? Which begs the question: After you share a big hearty laugh with someone--the kind that makes you convulse with nasal snort noises--do you still respect each other in the morning? Do you avoid each other, then bump into them at the water cooler and sheepishly go, "So. Things got weird, huh? I laughed. You laughed. One thing led to another..." Ever look at someone and go, Man, I'd sure love to get together with that piece of funniness and laugh and laugh till milk shoots outta me. That person will make milk come out my nose over and over and over again. Ooh. Yeah. Tell me the one about the rabbi and the penguins, baby... Right there... Yeah... Ah! Ah! AH HA HA HA HA HA! |
January 1, 2004
People are people so why should it be?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Should auld acquaintance be forgot, |
December 22, 2003
We all want some friggin' pudding!
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Have yourself a bitchin' little Chanukah |
December 15, 2003
Every little thing she does is magic
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
And now for some words of wisdom: |
December 8, 2003
Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy!
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
All I ever wanted in life was to be worshipped like a god, live like a rock star, drive women wild, make a fortune, live fast, die young, conquer the universe, travel the world, meet interesting people, solve the Grand Unification Theory, find the Missing Link, fight the good fight, live for the moment, seize each day, know what really matters, end world hunger, cure cancer, change the world, vanquish the dragon, save the princess, be super popular but too cool to care, climb Mount Everest, scale the Great Wall of China, swim the seven seas, howl at the moon, sound my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world, tag up this earth with my street name, run around with perfect conviction that my life is the meaning of life, be master of my own fate, embrace my destiny, feel as much as I can feel, think as much as I can think, do as much as I can do, get down, get up, dance to the beat of life on and on and when I'm done let the people go, "Now that was a funky man." |
December 1, 2003
I hope you had the time of your life
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Resistance back on the air. I was putting the finishing touches on Book Two when a platoon of stormtroopers raided my house, ransacked it, then drove me to a secret base in Area 51. They asked me what secret messages were contained in Book Two. I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. And they were like, Oh don't play dumb with me, Mr. Cartoonist Man. (They made those quotation mark gestures with their fingers when they said "Cartoonist.") So I went, Okay! Okay! I'll tell you everything. I'm a secret agent of planet Kissmyass. I use my comic strip as a platform to send coded messages to my fellow Kissmyassians! Rawr! Viva le Resistance! And they were like, Aha! I knew it! Alien scum! We got you now! So tell me, where's Planet Kissmyass? So I said to them, About twelve parsecs from planet Blowyourself, in the Iprobedyourmomma Galaxy. Decode that. |
September 24, 2003
I'm only happy when it rains
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Whenever I play solitaire I play for world peace. Cuz otherwise it's a meaningless waste of time and I hate to waste my time. So I up the stakes. Make it interesting. Every move I make can be the difference between global harmony and nuclear annihilation. The fate of all mankind hinges on whether I go with the seven of spades or the jack of hearts. It's very intense. I sit there for hours sometimes planning my strategy. I have meetings with imaginary generals and military advisors. I take lengthy breaks to the patio, or, as I like to call it, Camp David. I can't tell you how many times I've blown up the world. It really pisses me off. I mean, not to sound like Miss America or nothing, but I'm all about the world peace. And when those cards fall into place and I disarm all them nukes and establish the Pax Tatsuya and usher in the Golden Age of Peace and Prosperity, I rejoice with all humanity and then move on to Minesweeper. Which, of course, I play for the rain forests. |
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